I Will Not Be a Fat Bridesmaid

These are the people you will hear about as I travel the road to svelte. In case you need a refresher, just turn here to figure out who the heck I am talking about. Updates will occur as needed.

Jenna: The Bride. We have been friends since college, when we were on the tennis team together. She is the cholesterol nazi; this is because she wants me to live past 25. Jenna knows that standing up in her wedding has been a lifelong [erm, 6-year-long] dream of mine. However, I sometimes wonder if she chose me as a bridesmaid to force me to stop OD’ing on high fructose corn syrup and bacon. I guess we’ll never know.

Tommy: The Boyfriend. Tommy has promised to help me in my quest for dieting success. He knows how much I love pizza and Five Guys. It will be his responsibility to comfort me as I go through carb withdrawal.

Erica: The Better Behaved. Erica is diligent about exercising in a way I can never imagine being. She is also obsessed with green tea probiotic frozen yogurt in a way that makes me question her gustatory judgment—ask her about the yogurt-only diet… With the new lifestyle in progress, Erica’s task is to keep me away from spicy mayo and to inspire my workout plans. She is prepared for the perils and pitfalls of this mission.

Marissa: The Hottie. Marissa has the legs I will never have. Also, the discipline to work out. She lives in New York, too, and we are often found together when consuming sushi and drinking. As such, she is likely to witness my darker moments while the cleansing happens.

Nick & Jan: The Parents. Both very much in support of me getting my cholesterol under control. Not sure which one I have to thank for my miracle metabolism, but I do know who I have to thank for the A-cups. Thanks, Mom!

Liz: The Former Roommate. Liz and I lived together for the year-and-a-half I was in Chicago. She is a vegetarian, an excellent cook and a believer in portion control. She also introduced me to Heidi Swanson, whose recipes will be featured here often.

Athena: The Former-er Roommate. As my college roommate, Athena bore witness to the times when I would order a pizza just for myself and tell the delivery guy it was for 2. She was very tolerant. Athena loves to cook, enjoys green veggies in a way I never will and knows how to eat some dessert but not too much. She has a great deal to teach me.

Brittney: The D.C. Roommate. We lived together when finishing up our Master’s in D.C., where I learned it’s best to cook a hot dog in butter and hot sauce rather than anywhere else. She also introduced me to Oreos, which I’d been lukewarm about for 24 years; I will never forgive her. If my metabolism is turbo, Brittney’s is rocket speed. Mostly, she will tell me to stop eating healthy and get over myself. Brittney is from Texas.

Anna, Penelope, Rhonda, Magellan, Pippa: The Coworkers. Anna is my immediate boss; I am her assistant. Penelope is my other boss. Rhonda sits next to me. Magellan, the only boy, sits far away and is kind of a big deal. And in a confusing turn of events for readers, Pippa is my third boss. Keep up!